THE LOSS OF PAMPERING
Children view their parents as role models and older siblings become role models for younger ones. When parents and older siblings are on the right path, the rest of the children naturally follow suit.
In December 1929, my father, Fariduddin Khan, passed away when I was around six. I held a special place in my father’s heart among all his children. He showered me with so much love, which made me very playful, and I indulged in childish mischief. My uncle, Sheikh Muhammad Kamil, would become angry whenever he saw me and would caution my father, “You are spoiling your son by undue pampering.”
However, everything changed abruptly when my father passed away during my childhood. My mother, Zeb-un-Nisa (who passed away in 1985), used to recount how talkative I was in my father’s presence. But after his demise, a profound transformation occurred within me. My playful nature vanished, and I became quiet and reserved. It was a pivotal event in my life. Had my father lived longer, I might have become a young man who would have been labelled spoilt and pampered. The realism and seriousness that came later in my life directly resulted from my orphanhood.
When a person is born, he initially experiences the care and presence of his parents. However, this period is fleeting, and the rest of his life is spent outside the protective cocoon of his parents, interacting with others. Parents tend to shower their children with affectionate pampering.
The consequence of this excessive pampering is that the child consciously or subconsciously perceives that love is equated with being pampered. Yet, as the children step out into the world beyond their homes, they do not receive the same level of indulgence from others. They suddenly feel insignificant in the eyes of the world. They get disillusioned with the whole world. This situation has made all women and men suffer from the psychology of complaint when the right thing was to develop a psychology of love for other human beings.
There is a narration mentioned in various Hadith books that states, “The Messenger of God said, ‘No gift from a father to his child is better than teaching him good manners.’” (Sunan At-Tirmidhi, Hadith No. 1952) Although this hadith mentions only the father, it implies both the father and the mother. The word ‘adab’ used here encompasses all aspects of education and upbringing, whether religious or worldly.
Naturally, both men and women have immense love for their children. This Hadith elucidates the best way to utilize this love and what should be done. The best use of this love is for parents to teach their children the etiquettes of life, moulding them into better individuals before introducing them to the world. It is often observed that parents misuse their love by constantly fulfilling every wish of their children, considering it the ultimate expression of love. However, this fails to fulfil the rights of the children.
A young child is unaware of anything beyond his desires. His thinking is limited to the immediate fulfilment of his wishes. Yet, this is a childish mindset because the child will eventually grow up and enter the realm of the world. To succeed in the next stage of life, the child must be equipped with appropriate etiquette. During their early years, the series of their education and upbringing should commence, instilling certain habits and integrating them into their lives. The three fundamental aspects of life’s etiquettes are religion, morality and discipline.
A child’s upbringing, with religious considerations, begins immediately after birth when the call to prayer enters their ears. It symbolizes that instilling religiosity in a child starts from a young age, and the mother and father play crucial roles in this endeavour.
Parents should strive to develop a strong understanding of monotheism and Islamic beliefs in their children. The remembrance of God and engagement in worship should become integral components of their personality. They should adhere to prayers and fasting. The desire for charity and good deeds should be instilled in them, and they should develop a passion for the daily study of the Quran and Hadith. Observing them, everyone should recognize them as pious children.
Character development should be an ongoing process. If the child makes a mistake, he should be corrected. If siblings have a dispute, they should be immediately taught to understand and resolve it. If the child lies, uses abusive language or takes something belonging to someone else, it should be addressed firmly. All of this should begin in childhood so that the child becomes accustomed to specific values in life.
The same approach should be applied to discipline. The child should be taught to respect time, keep things in their proper place and eat and drink at fixed times. If they litter or throw paper on the road, they should be immediately asked to pick it up. Noise should be discouraged, and they should be taught to avoid anything that causes discomfort to others.
Parents must align their lifestyle accordingly to ensure a child’s proper upbringing. Merely instructing the child not to lie while making excuses themselves renders the lesson on honesty meaningless. Similarly, if parents smoke in front of their children and preach against smoking, it loses its significance. If promises are not fulfilled, but the child is told, “Son, always keep your promises,” they will not take such advice seriously.
Children view their parents as role models and older siblings become role models for younger ones. When parents and older siblings are on the right path, the rest of the children naturally follow suit.
